What's Normal?

I've really been struggling over the last several days.  I don't feel good.  I have an ear infection and sinus infection.  And when I don't feel good it makes all of my "regular" symptoms worse.  I put the regular in quotations because these shouldn't be regular symptoms.  You should only have anxiety symptoms during very stressful situations.  Yesterday was especially bad.

I'm so tired of dealing with all of this... it's so exhausting.  But for now it's my reality.  Through CBT I'm learning to change my thoughts.  Specifically... thought stopping.  For example:   "I'm so tired of dealing with all of this."  STOP!!!  In your mind, visualize a stop sign.  What shape is it?  Look at the colors.  Trace the letters. Trace the outline.  Surprisingly I've used this a lot over the last few days.  If nothing else, it makes me take notice of the tension in my body and then I can relax my muscles.  Over time, this process is supposed to become automatic.  I'm also learning guided imagery.  To do this you use all of your senses.  For example:  sitting by a beautiful waterfall.  First you imagine yourself walking on a path in the woods.  What do you hear, see, smell, feel.  When you arrive at the waterfall, notice the sound of the water rushing off the edge.  What colors do you see?  The white foam, green woods, blue sky... What do you smell?  Fresh air, grass, wild flowers...  What do you feel?   The soft breeze,  the spray of water on your face...  It sounds like this would take a really long time, but actually it doesn't.  And for now, I have to be by myself in my room to do this.  But the goal is to be able to do it at anytime and in any environment.  Even with your eyes open.

I keep asking God if I'm ever going to be "normal."  Whatever that is.  I guess that's what I need to figure out.  What is my normal?  What do I want my normal to be?  Definitely not what I'm experiencing now.  Hopefully through prayer I can figure out where I want to be and by God's grace do the things I need to do to get there.

Hi God... I'm back!!!

I've always considered myself a spiritual person.  I believe in God and I've never questioned my faith.  I've never been good at just sitting and saying a long, heartfelt prayer.  I would start a prayer and the next thing I know  I'm drifting off onto something else.  But I've always felt a constant connection with God, and would have a sort of dialogue with him through out the day.  But over the last year I have been farther from God than I've ever been in my life.  And I know in my mind that this is when I need God the most, I just havn't been able to connect.  Sometimes, when especially anxious about something, I would recite the Lord's Prayer in my head, hoping to feel God in my heart.

Thanks to all the prayers that I know have been said on my behalf, I'm finally starting to focus.  And I know that I need to be even more focused on God than ever before.  It's not good enough to just be aware, I have to seek God out in everything I do.  I've learned that for me, writing helps to keep me focused when there is something I need to say.  So I've decided to start my prayer journal... finally.  I've got nothing but time on my hands, so there is no excuse.

So once again, I need to say a very big THANK YOU to all of the people who have prayed for me.  And now... I'm going to talk to GOD......

Reaching Out

Today is a rough day.  My palms and fingers feel like they are raw.  And it feels like there are little fingers inside my belly, tickling me!  I havn't been out of the house all week.  I've been using the weather as an excuse.  I have to make myself go for a walk today.  The longer I go without leaving the house, the harder it is to do it again.  The weather is supposed to be pretty good this afternoon and tomorrow, so I have no excuse!  Why does it have to be so hard?

I can live with the fear that I feel... I just can't handle these crazy physical symptoms.  Sometimes I don't even realize I am anxious until these symptoms start.  On days like today I wake up with it and it doesn't go away.  It makes me angry that being on xanax for so long and then going off of it is causing all this.  They call it "Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome."  I had just gotten my massage therapy license when I started weaning off the Xanax.  I was looking forward to starting work.  I worked for 2 months at a spa on an as needed basis, but had to stop.  I wanted to do "spa day" parties.  Now I'm just trying to get through the days.  I've seriously considered talking to a lawyer to see if my former psychiatrist could be held responsible.  I'm not a person who wants to sue for every little thing.  But I've lost a whole year's income.  I worked my whole adult life until last February.

I'm not writing all this to get sympathy and I hate to sound like I feel sorry for myself.  I just want to put in writing everything I'm experiencing.  I'm reaching out to support others and get support for myself.  If there is anybody out there who is going through this, I would love to hear from you.  My email is Shellybeanj@gmail.com.

I'm amazed at all the support I got yesterday from my friends and family!  Friends that I've known for years as well as some that I have just come to know.  It made me pause and think about everything I have to be thankful for! I realized that no matter how bad things seem, there is always hope.  And  support is always just a click or a phone call away.   I'm so thankful to all of  you and hope that I am  also a support to you!  

Once around the block!

Ever since I stopped taking xanax a year ago, my body is doing crazy things.  Its hard to know what's actually a true physical symptom of an illness or "just nerves."  Anxiety can do some crazy things to the body!  I have days where the front of my arms and legs feel like they're asleep.  I get tingling everywhere.  Also prickly feelings in the front of my neck.  When I get really anxious, the blood rushes to my head and I feel like I'm drunk.  That is the worst!  That's what happens when I'm out in public!  It messes with my senses.  I feel like I can't walk straight.  The other day I was going up two steps and misjudged and fell!  Thank goodness I was in my front yard!  Of course the neighbors probably think I'm a drunk!  I wish I could say who cares what they think, but that doesn't work!  So my first homework assignment in cognitive behavior therapy was to go outside and walk just past my next door neighbor's house.  Then to the end of the block.  A whopping 3 houses!!!  But for me that's a success!  And you have to celebrate every small step!  Now I can walk all the way around the block.  But I can't do it carefree.  That's what I want.  I want to feel carefree.  I've never felt comfortable going out in public.  Even on the xanax I didn't feel carefree.  It masked the physical symptoms, but not the emotional ones.  I've struggled with this my whole life.  I didn't understand until recently that this is another symptom of anxiety.  I just thought I was shy.  I don't know why, but for some reason recognizing this makes me feel better about it.  I guess because its something I can work on.  So for now, I celebrate being able to walk all the way around the block... even if I don't feel carefree.

RIP Whitney Houston

RIP has a special meaning to me.  Peace is something that's hard to come by when you have an anxiety disorder.  Seems that Whitney didn't have a lot peace in life.  I hope that she can rest in peace now.  I know what it means to be addicted to a drug.  Years ago my then Psychiatrist prescribed xanax.  As time went on, of course, I needed more and more to get the "peaceful" affect I needed.  The doctor kept increasing my dose over several years.  Then, last year, I had to switch Psychiatrists because of insurance.  My new psychiatrist told me that a person should never be on xanax for more than six weeks at a time.  He started to wean me off over a period of four weeks.  I knew that those four weeks would be hard, but in my ignorance, I thought it would be over after the four weeks were up and I could get on with my life. Well at the end of February it will have been a year, and its still not over.  This has been the hardest thing I've ever done.  And I've been through some rough things!  So now... I'm angry.  I'm angry at my first psychiatrist because he prescribed the xanax for so long.  And I'm angry at my new psychiatrist because she won't prescribe it.  I'm angry because I havn't been able to work for a whole year.  I'm angry because my body is doing all these crazy things and I can't seem to get it under control.  I'm angry because I've filed for disability and its been denied several times.  Now I'm waiting... and waiting... and waiting for a hearing date.

Over the years I've accumulated many titles... daughter, sister, wife, mother, provider, friend and confidant.  Not to mention all the job titles I've had.  I never thought I would add drug addict to that!  I mean... you can't be a drug addict if you're taking a medication that has been prescribed by a doctor can you?  Yes... you can!   My psychiatrist has me coming in every 2 weeks now for cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).  She said that I need to learn to cope with my anxiety and the xanax just masks it.  In the meantime... I'm stuck in limbo with no income and feeling very misunderstood.  And yes, that makes me angry too!

That is the question!

Whats eating you?  Sounds like a simple question, doesn't it?  So why don't I have an answer?  That's what's eating me!!! I suffer from an anxiety disorder.  I decided to start blogging about it and I asked my son if he could think of a good name for my blog.  So he asked me if there is a certain thing that I'm anxious about.  And I said "EXACTLY!!!"  That is my problem.  I don't know why I'm anxious.  I mean there are certain situations that cause me anxiety... just like everyone.  But why am I anxious all the time?

I've had an anxiety disorder as long as I can remember.  My "official" diagnosis is Panic Disorder and Borderline Agoraphobia.  Simply put, I panic easy and am somewhat scared to leave my house!  But there is nothing simple about it!  Up until last year I've been able to function to certain degree.  Although in the last 10 years I've needed the help of medication.  I've started this blog in hopes that I will learn more about myself and what increases my anxiety level.  I hope in the process that I can help others who are going through some of these same issues.