I've really been struggling over the last several days. I don't feel good. I have an ear infection and sinus infection. And when I don't feel good it makes all of my "regular" symptoms worse. I put the regular in quotations because these shouldn't be regular symptoms. You should only have anxiety symptoms during very stressful situations. Yesterday was especially bad.
I'm so tired of dealing with all of this... it's so exhausting. But for now it's my reality. Through CBT I'm learning to change my thoughts. Specifically... thought stopping. For example: "I'm so tired of dealing with all of this." STOP!!! In your mind, visualize a stop sign. What shape is it? Look at the colors. Trace the letters. Trace the outline. Surprisingly I've used this a lot over the last few days. If nothing else, it makes me take notice of the tension in my body and then I can relax my muscles. Over time, this process is supposed to become automatic. I'm also learning guided imagery. To do this you use all of your senses. For example: sitting by a beautiful waterfall. First you imagine yourself walking on a path in the woods. What do you hear, see, smell, feel. When you arrive at the waterfall, notice the sound of the water rushing off the edge. What colors do you see? The white foam, green woods, blue sky... What do you smell? Fresh air, grass, wild flowers... What do you feel? The soft breeze, the spray of water on your face... It sounds like this would take a really long time, but actually it doesn't. And for now, I have to be by myself in my room to do this. But the goal is to be able to do it at anytime and in any environment. Even with your eyes open.
I keep asking God if I'm ever going to be "normal." Whatever that is. I guess that's what I need to figure out. What is my normal? What do I want my normal to be? Definitely not what I'm experiencing now. Hopefully through prayer I can figure out where I want to be and by God's grace do the things I need to do to get there.
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