RIP has a special meaning to me. Peace is something that's hard to come by when you have an anxiety disorder. Seems that Whitney didn't have a lot peace in life. I hope that she can rest in peace now. I know what it means to be addicted to a drug. Years ago my then Psychiatrist prescribed xanax. As time went on, of course, I needed more and more to get the "peaceful" affect I needed. The doctor kept increasing my dose over several years. Then, last year, I had to switch Psychiatrists because of insurance. My new psychiatrist told me that a person should never be on xanax for more than six weeks at a time. He started to wean me off over a period of four weeks. I knew that those four weeks would be hard, but in my ignorance, I thought it would be over after the four weeks were up and I could get on with my life. Well at the end of February it will have been a year, and its still not over. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And I've been through some rough things! So now... I'm angry. I'm angry at my first psychiatrist because he prescribed the xanax for so long. And I'm angry at my new psychiatrist because she won't prescribe it. I'm angry because I havn't been able to work for a whole year. I'm angry because my body is doing all these crazy things and I can't seem to get it under control. I'm angry because I've filed for disability and its been denied several times. Now I'm waiting... and waiting... and waiting for a hearing date.
Over the years I've accumulated many titles... daughter, sister, wife, mother, provider, friend and confidant. Not to mention all the job titles I've had. I never thought I would add drug addict to that! I mean... you can't be a drug addict if you're taking a medication that has been prescribed by a doctor can you? Yes... you can! My psychiatrist has me coming in every 2 weeks now for cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). She said that I need to learn to cope with my anxiety and the xanax just masks it. In the meantime... I'm stuck in limbo with no income and feeling very misunderstood. And yes, that makes me angry too!
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